Personal Change

I always scoffed when someone complains “This month has been bad for me” or “This year is so shitty!” No, I don’t believe time is correlated to your happiness or sadness, until it happened to me.

In my twenty-seven years, I never experienced a huge change that left me weak and vulnerable. Truth is, I hate feeling scared and not in control (I am a control freak). I think it’s wise to say we have no control of our external change, but what about internal change? Yes I have had an unexpected personal change.

It all begins a month ago when my sleeping got disturbed. I never experienced sleeping trouble and the experience, even though it sounds silly to many people, changed me. I was confronted to the other side of me. The one who worries, who got panic attack and who is anxious about every single damn thing. Since I am a control freak I got obsessed about sleep. I even went to a sleeping doctor and got helped. I was so absorbed in my fear that I lashed out at everyone around me and it continued for few weeks until I managed to give up on trying (and yes give up trying to sleep made me asleep).

Yes, I see my mistake, like how I tried to control every single thing and sleeping is beyond my reach. I tried to channel my mind at something else. It was hard at first but as they all say: it gets better in time. The experience was so surreal and funny now that I can’t help wonder why the hell did I do that? Have I always been this weird? Have I always been obsessed about small things? The experience didn’t just change my mind, but it also made me question myself.

I always thought I know myself pretty well, but apparently I don’t. The personal change gave me time to reflect and ponder about my past actions and my current choices. I also felt the need to strengthen my spiritual bond, which I thought I already established before.

The sleeping trouble has ceased to exist and I am so glad about it. Little did I know the anxiety still lingers sometimes. Want to know what my anxiety is about? I feel conscious about my own breathing. Yes it’s silly but it was horrible!!See how quickly I became negative? I am conscious about my own breathing and I felt it was horrible! Tsk tsk.

It’s easy to be blinded by fear. Too easy in fact but in the end I take this experience as a LESSON. I realised the anxiety was STILL a part of my personal change. We all know change is the only constant thing in life. Do I need a personal change? Was my previous behaviour in life that horrible that the universe think I need a ‘kick in the head’? I simply don’t know. However, I know that nothing last forever since now the anxiety has subside and I can sleep.

The point of this blog post is to remind others, and especially myself, when BAD things happened in life, it is up to US to perceived it. We can take the bad experience and dwell on them and even blame ourselves or other parties. Or we can acknowledge that THIS is supposed to happen for our own benefits and look at it differently.

For the past twenty-seven years I thought I know myself pretty well and just under one month my knowledge about me, myself and I have been proven wrong. I realised I possessed fear and anxiety just like anybody else. I realised my obsession is quite scary and I have to learn to control them. Despite those, I also realised other things: I realised how truly blessed I am. How amazing my family is during this and how grateful I am. This change also made me more aware of my surroundings. About thousands, or even millions, of people suffer from much worse things. Who am I to complain about my short-time anxiety when there are refugees without a future? Why do I have to fear when I am made of the same stardust in the galaxies? Why should I let my life be control by these “emotions” when in truth there is a higher power who is always in control.

I wanted to believe this is the “worse period” of my life, but I know it isn’t true. Sure, this personal change is unexpected and left me weak and vulnerable for some time, but it also gave me other things: now I understand to count my blessings. I have a great family, good friends, and another new job; I also have a special someone who is there for me during this time, what else do I need?

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