The last time I tried to write a post on this blog it was entitled “Job”. I was having a hard time finding a job that I liked and I was planning to go back to my old writing gig in the media. Well, fast-forward two months… I went back to my old work place and can’t be more grateful for the second chance. However, what brings me back to write another post is I so desperately need to let out about my personal life. My love life to be exact, which has come to an end officially last week (on Valentine’s Day to be exact).
Truth be told I never thought to write about my love life since it’s ambiguous, but let me try. Since late 2014 I was in an online relationship with a guy far from the country I was from. The relationship was vague and exciting in the beginning. We didn’t plan to commit to each other, being online nonetheless, but we did. And for the first six to seven months, it was… beautiful. With no prior relationship experience to guide us through, we both stumble and rise and we learned so much about each other and about who we are. For me, I learned that being in a relationship with another man is not strange or disgraceful. I realized I am born this way and if I need to label myself as a gay man, then fuck it! I am him. Meanwhile, I also learned that relationship needs a lot of work, attention, compromising and sacrifice.
When the relationship ended, both of us were not surprise – we knew it is coming from months before. We both had different visions of how this “connection” should work – he is not ready and I am a maniac. He is rational and I am a day dreamer. He always said he will put more effort into it, but I always expected more. Do you know the phrase that you become a different person when you are in a relationship? I became that person; a stranger who planned way, way ahead that it may ruin what we are trying to build. No blames were thrown, though, we realized we are becoming different people and we just couldn’t compromise with each others’ visions and priorities. I didn’t blame myself that I was the one who ended the relationship and wanted to get back together after a matter of days to which he refused. I didn’t blame myself for that nor do I blamed him.
One thing is true though… life is funny. When I stopped looking for someone, he showed up on a random chat website and swept me off my feet with his charming smile, intellectual, passion for movies, knack for writing and killer sense of humour. Life teased me with a possible future between us, even though the reality stated otherwise.
After the official break-up, I spent last week listening to sappy songs from Adele to Katie Herzig and felt this numbness that I am so familiar with. However, like any situation there are two sides to it. I have told you about the bad parts, but what about the good parts? When we broke up, he asked me to remember all of the good times we had together and when I do that, I felt better.
This break up made me know myself a little bit better about who I am and who I want in life. The break up also gave me the courage to tell another soul about my “identity”. It gave me the opportunity to be closer to my sister who I have shared almost everything with. It gave me the chance to “come out” to two friends, one of whom I have known since we were kids. When I think about that, I feel happy. You can always find a positive side to every bad situations.
Of course, this heartache also makes me scared for the future. Will I find love? Will I find anyone as good as him? Will I be hurt again? Those are some of my regular thoughts, but when it’s time to start over I will tell myself, “Who cares, I found love and I experienced love and for that I will be forever grateful”.
I will end this post with a beautiful quote by Nayyirah Waheed:
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”