Based on the last post you must think I will be writing about my new boyfriend. But, hold up I have something else to say.
These past few weeks I have been getting these weird feelings, mood-swings really, about my guy and my new relationship. And I think I know what I am experiencing, but it’s always better to write it down and pour your problems and thoughts, no?
Let’s backup and start from the first. I met my boyfriend via a dating app (don’t judge, who knew those things work!) and we hit it off right away. We share many things in common and I find him funny, quirky and hella smart (he is a scientist, duh!). Also, being cute and lanky-hot don’t hurt either. He lives few hours away from me, but work right here in the city I am living so we can meet two or three times in a week.
We met after a few days of texting and kept on meeting under twenty days before he asked me to become his boyfriend. Yes, I know this sound too fast to many, but trust me even I was aware of the whirlwind. But for some reason, I just can’t stopped myself from meeting him and even saying yes for being in a relationship. I did warn him that this might be too soon and I don’t know how will I act later on, but we both promised to take it slow and we actually did.
I understand right away why he needs to be in a relationship (or just to tied me down, really…) because of his emotional and family issues and he did say he can be needy. But, when I asked myself whether I AM ready to be in a relationship the only answer I could think about is: Yes!
So, ahead I go being in this relationship but also warning him on how much I would change. Of course, by now I am already aware of my needy/clingy issues too and I managed to think realistically when I can. But, if I can’t hold them down then I will tell it to him. And trust me, this guy can handle my shit like no other men can and I will always be grateful about that. Because truth be told (and I think this is important for everyone out there to remember about themselves), I know who I am in and out and I can get quite too much to handle at times.
The past three months have also been an eye-opening experience in so many ways. Like how endearing it is to be in a relationship with another man (remember, my first relationship was LDR so that doesn’t count). Beside our adventures in bed, *cough*, I realised how fun it is to be in a relationship with this guy. We laughed and joked so much and he always made me laugh. We debated and argued as well, but not all the time and we can resolved it in a good manner.
The second part was the way proper dating works. My boyfriend is a romantic to say the least. He showered me with handmade gifts, which adds more points than buying me stuff, and always care about my needs more than the other. The romantic part could get out of hands sometimes and I feel it was a competition at one time, but we managed to work things out.
However, the past few weeks have been rocky and now I realised it’s just how things work when two person try to adjust and adapt to each other once their “honeymoon” phase is over.
The first time he made me annoyed was when he became quite literal with the way I watched my movies. Okay, this is weird but here this. He will feel annoyed when I don’t watch particular movies with him and asked me to make list of the movies we can watch together. I find the idea intriguing and cute at first, but it also made me annoyed since I need to “go through” him whenever I want to watch anything. My best friend consoled me and told me to stop being weird because obviously he cared so much about watching movies with me that he is so adamant about it. Okay fine, problem resolved and we moved on.
Onward, I find myself got easily emotional about little things. I complained about the way he replied his text (he did the one-liner and made me furious lol). I didn’t want to do the things he wanted, such as going to do different activity because I slaved my time away at work. I realised this and have work on it. I will make time for him and go to the place he wanted to instead of our normal meet up, which mostly means dinner restaurants, movie date, hotel check-ins or meeting at his office late at night. I realised that we haven’t spent lot of time in the public and it’s understandable why he wanted us to do this.
It’s not that he hasn’t met my friends, though. But we have spent more time together that I realised we need to socialize with our friends too. He had even came over to my house for few hours and met my sister and introduced him as my “friend” to my parents. He then stayed over last New Year’s Eve when they are out-of-town. Yes, both of us don’t have alone space for now but we are working on it. Money issues: everyone got them!
With these “challenges” it can be quite overwhelming for just about anyone I am sure. However, I told him that we will appreciate what we have more later because we are struggling right now. Am I right?
Things took its toll yesterday when we were planning to meet up. He needs an hour or so to reach the city by train and he was already on his way when I woke up. I rushed into getting ready and in between he asked whether we can do something else after the movie. I said sure, but what? He has no idea. And then he asked whether we are having lunch together and something hit me: I felt anxious about meeting him and overwhelmed by so many feelings. But I stick to the plan and met him, but not before telling him via text how I feel.
This got him quite pissed and we got into heated argument when we meet. Things are not easy for him and I appreciate his efforts and affection towards this relationship. But, I told him that I am still learning how to “behave” in a relationship in terms of acting and reacting and feeling and everything in between. We talked things over and hearing his explanations made me feel bad because I was being a drama queen. He told me that he might have expectations about how the day is going to turn out, but he never mind about them and said that he got “faith” in me.
This word for some reason triggered my anxiety. I told him about this and he said that if having faith in someone made me overwhelmed then maybe I don’t want to be burden by this. He the raised his voice and asked sincerely “what do I have to do then?”. I knew I can’t look in him for answers. I need to seek it within myself.
The drama didn’t end there, sadly. Late last night I jumped into assumption that maybe he hasn’t gotten over his ex out of no where. He assured me this is not true but I still felt annoyed. What is this getting touchy about little things I begin to ponder? Am I experiencing cold feet in a relationship? Am I not ready for a relationship or being committed? But parts of me are ready for this, maybe not all of them.
I realised maybe I am having a hard time of accepting him in my life, accepting this relationship. I never feel this way before and I sometimes think that I am not ready to leave my comfort zone. But, when I asked myself “why and what”? I got no valid answers.
The mixed feelings of love, affection and unknown anxiety made me search for answer. I asked myself, “Do I want to be with another man?” and the answer is no. I have had my fair share of dating last year and I wasn’t even thinking to be in a relationship when he swept me off my feet last November. But he did and it allowed me to experience something so beautiful and personal like nothing before.
Is this part of being an adult? Now I realised I need to stop making a big deal about little things because they are not even problems to begin with, but truth be told it’s hard to control your own feelings at times.
I need to feel okay to be outside of my comfort zones, which means pushing myself to see him happy and allowing myself to be part of someone else. I realised I am more compassionate and attuned now than ever, and I take it as a nice changes.
I am growing up, becoming an adult and while it might feel scary now because this is completely a new territory for me, I need to think realistically and maturely. I need to be grateful that I am given this chance to be the boyfriend to this gentle, sincere and beautiful human being. However, after typing 1,600 words I am still asking myself: “Am I ready?”